How To Live Your Best Lif

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1. See that person clapping their hands in the crowd? They’re doing that for you. Make sure to walk up to them and thank their hands personally. Hands do a lot during the day, and it’s important that you show how much you appreciate what they do. What’s that? They’re asking you why you’re talking to their hands? Better move on to #2 while you think of what to say in response.

2. Do healthy things — but don’t just stop there. Make a milkshake so good that you can be free to walk around and say to people, “I’m milkshook.” If there’s a pause before they reply; if they keep walking or if they simply ask you what on earth you mean, don’t worry: a giant eagle will soon come down sweeping out of the sky to lift you up and carry you away a few blocks.

3. Would that work with the person wondering why you’re addressing their hands? Tell them you’re waiting for an eagle? How long have you been thinking about this?

4. Photoshop yourself into the background of a book cover by Joel Osteen. Affirmation is important. If someone is doing something worth heightening, don’t hesitate to jump right in.

5. Eating well is important, too. To square two birds with the avian capacities of a single stone, then, consider photoshopping yourself into the background of a book cover by Joel Osteen showing yourself eating something enthusiastically —like a lobster. (Make sure to apologize if it looks like you’re about to get a bit of lobster on Joel.)

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Previously: How To Write A Detective Story / How To Find Parking In A Place That Doesn’t Have A Lot Of Parking / How To Do The Dishes In The Middle Of Dungeons & Dragons / How To Write An Adventure Story /

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